Right, so a double header from Cornwall’s very own surf punks – Hit the Beach. Included is a re-issue of their debut self-titled record, as well as ten new tracks in the form of ‘I hate myself when I’m not sunbathing’. Surely these lads have spoiled us? Surely this is a prime example of value-for-money? Well with any other band, that would be the case. Unfortunately, there is absolutely nothing redeeming about these albums, and in fact they’ve just double the aural torture I’ve had to go through reviewing them. That may seem like a bit of an extreme summary, suggesting I’ve got some sort of hidden agenda here, but honestly this band are just not very good at all. We’ll start things off with the self-titled re-issue.
Even just a glance at the song titles tells you that these guys have clearly done nothing with their lives except bumming around on their local beach. Unfortunately, listening to the songs proves just that, as it’s clear they haven’t even bothered to leave their surfboards alone long enough to learn how to play their instruments. ‘Lifeguards die’ and ‘Keep your acoustic guitar off my goddamn beach’ are both utterly pointless 20 second recordings. Serving as a sort of ‘fuck you’ to lifeguards and hippies respectively, they’re a testament to how far you won’t be going if you don’t put any thought into the music you create.
‘Keep your shit outta my face’ is really the only track here that could be classed at a song. With at least an attempt at a song structure, it stands above the rest of the album, albeit only by a small distance. It’s back to normality though with the closing track, a five-second piece of utter uselessness. The new record doesn’t fare much better either. Opener ‘Surf Nazis must die’ is something of a tone-setter for the next seven minutes. Coming in at just sixty-six seconds, it’s one of the longest songs here (and by a mile that is too), and it makes you wonder just what the band were aiming for when they decided to pick up their instruments. Fifty percent of the song is made up of the title itself. The other fifty percent is both lyrical and musical torture.
Listening to tracks like ‘Sand Fortress’ and ‘Let’s shred’, you wonder if these guys even know how to play anything more than two power chords or why the drummer doesn’t seem to be aware of any other parts of his kit than the crash cymbal. I suppose I could give them credit for the attempt at a guitar solo in ‘Let’s shred’, if only it wasn’t so simple and downright crap. There really is absolutely no need to listen to this band whatsoever. If you find out that Hit the Beach are playing in your town anytime soon, you’d do well to stay as far away from them at all costs.
Absolute Cack.
Andy R